Easy-Going Mind, Not Easy Life.

Today, Sushi Miya8i, around 12.00 pm.
Salah satu teman saya berkata, "Fida kayaknya hidupnya yang paling enteng, ga pernah galau-galau."
Once again, all I can do is just smiling.

They never know what happened. What makes me become like that.
Let's just say, I'm already too tired of complaining life.
There was a time when I did that, years ago.
Not to mention about litre of tears I've wasted.
But I know that I did that in vain. Nothing's gonna change, in my case.
So I know that what I am supposed to do is stay strong, stand tall, and face it. No matter how hurt the truth is, how hard life is.
I found that life is not just waiting for the storm to pass, but I have a better idea by learning how to dance in the rain.
Life would never be easy. I know it exactly.
Difficulty will always happen, to the poor and the rich, to the strong and the weak, to every kinda people in the world. It just keeps changing shape.
But it goes back to our own perspective about life and about how smart we are to solve our own problems.
Life is hard, I know it. But I won't make it harder.
I just believe that every dark night is followed by a light morning.

When Everything Seems to be Negative, Who Should Take Part of Being Positive?

I really am being confused about what's going on here.

It's  full of negativity things. Hard thoughts.

But I know exactly that when something's unright, all things seem to fall apart, who should be positive then?

It's me. I suppose to be the one who stays positive when all the negativity's around.

I know, Allah as my protector, will help me go through these unfair things.

My God is the best helper, you know. :)

No matter how unfair someone is, I can't hate that one.

I never hate people, take revenge on them, no, those things will just contaminate my heart.

But I do exactly know about one proverb which says, 'what you plant is what you harvest.'

If you do something good, good thing will come to you. So do badness, then.

I know that Allah is really fair. And Allah loves me.

So, If you do something bad to me, easy, I won't do the same to you.

But Allah will repay you for what you did, you know.

That's just the way to keep justice for those who ask for it.

In my perspective, things which lose has its way of coming back to you in the end, if not always in the way we expect it before.

And though I can't hate you or do something bad to you, I'm not stupid either.

There WAS a time when I truly respected and tried to get your trust.

As you know, trusting people need a trust too on the doer.

But as time goes by, you show me many reasons not to trust you anymore and losing my respect to you.

Once I lose my respect, nothing you could do to return it.

When All I Can Do Is Only Giving Smile :)

They told me to be independent,
But they didn't really know what independent is.
They told me to be able to take care of myself,
But they didn't know that I'm learning not only to be able to take care of myself, but also to take care of the people around me, especially my family when mom went to some places miles away for days or even weeks.
They told me that they are now bla.. bla.. bla..
But they didn't know that it's not only about themselves.
They told me what they have been through,
But they don't know what I've been trough.
Well, It's not time to explaining, don't wanna do it either.
All I can do is just smiling. :)

The day you're leaving me to Japan, is the worst day ever, Mom.

I'm kinda lazy to post something here, but I need to.

Well, some people think that writing is the best way to explode your emotion.

I do think the same... Even in this situation.

This is one of the best way to do catharsis, much better than crying while throwing all my stuff in the room, making a mess, bumping my head to the wall, or even hurting my skin with knife..

I'm not that idiot who will do that kinda foolish thing, I guess.

Well, talking about catharsis, there must be a problem.

My problem started today.

My mama goes to Japan today. No, that's not the problem.

She has time to make a call to me when She's going to Hong Kong first to transit before going to Narita airport, asking me to do a favor to take a good care while her leaving. But not, that isn't a problem either.

So, the problem is, after a whole busy day today, I'm coming home.

Just few steps in, then Dad was asking me and blaming me for something.

He's in confused to decide whether it's my mistake, or his.

Do you know something I hate the most?

To be blamed for something I know exactly that it isn't my mistake.

He started shouting at me, blaming me, giving his anger to me.

What am I supposed to do, then? Me? Keep silent for the thing I didn't do? NEVER.

I have a right to be angry when I am blamed for something which is not my mistake.

So, that's what I did. I shouted back to him, exploded my anger to him.

I didn't care if he is my daddy. Once I get blamed for something that I didn't do, whether that person is my father or anyone, I will stand tall to prove that I'm right, cuz I really am.

So, there I was, shouted back, argued what the hell was making me wrong, showed his mistake, and all those fuckin' things.
Then, all that my daddy did was just keep silent. Not saying even a single word.

Feeling guilty, weren't you, Dad?

Oh come on, talking about this, how many times you blame me for something which is not my mistake, Dad? too often!

I still remember about the moment when you realized that it wasn't my mistake but yours.

The way you apologized at  me while being too arrogant to prove that you were wrong.

The way you smiled in shy because you knew that it wasn't my mistake at all but all the people in our family put all the blame in me. Not to mention about all those hurting words that they said to me.

Did I hurt? I did! It did hurting me so badly!

All I could do that time was just chillin' out. I might have forgiven you, but the scars remain. Just like what quote words say.

And what the hell do you think you're doing right now? Opening that unhealed wound? What a fool!

I ask you.. No, I even beg you, please, starting from this time, please learn from your mistake. Don't do it twice!

I even shouted at you just now, "CAN YOU PUT ALL THE BLAME AT YOURSELF FIRST BEFORE YOU'RE BLAMING SOMEONE INNOCENT?!"

those words are quite clear although I shouted it while crying, aren't it, Dad?

Well, mom, I promised you to take a good care while your leaving today.

But I think I fail, even in the first day.

This thing is the most surprising thing today which is beyond my expectation to happen.

All I can say is just sorry, Mom, I try to do my best here, but what am I supposed to do, then?

P. S: If you were here today, would you be at my side or at my daddy's side like before?

Love, Me.

All About You Is (Not Really) Over (Yet)

Berawal dari tahun 2008, stagnan di tahun 2010.
Muncul lagi di tahun 2010 akhir sampe 2011 awal.
'Till I decided to end it. But what happened then?
It is still here, up 'till now.
I thought that I could forget you.
I thought that someday, I will look into your eyes, then say that we're just friend.
But, the time hasn't come yet. I still can't.
Your eyes are my biggest weakness.
I though I have forgot about you.
But when I looked into your eyes, It was still there.
I realized that the feeling was still in my heart.
No matter how I try hard to vanish it, It always stand still there.

Till tonight, I found a quote by Mother Teresa.

“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.” 

You did hurt me. Many times. I did cry a lot because of you.
But right now? Not anymore.
Not to mention that you have stopped hurting me. You still.
But It doesn't hurt anymore.
Maybe I have been immune? Or, It has become anesthesia for me? Or both?
What I know right now, no matter how hurt it is, I can't keep on crying.
Or should I say that it has become something I used to (?)
But I know exactly that the feeling is still there.
It keeps changing shape (?)
I think it equates pain pattern that you give to me.

Been a long time since i talked about love, isn't it?

Kalo diliat-liat dari entri blog ini sih, terakhir gue nulis tentang love di title: "All About You Is Over", which is 2 years ago.
Iya, gue udah ngeakhirin semua tentang lo kan ya pas itu.
Gue juga sempet punya hubungan sama orang lain.
But, it didn't work out well, same with the ending with you, but different case.
Pokoknya kata-kata yg gue ucapin ke orang itu pas itu, "Aku kira kamu bisa bikin aku ngelupain orang yg udah aku sayang bertahun-tahun itu. tapi ternyata..."
See? Masih-elo-dibawa-bawa. should I say that...
"All About You Is (Not Really) Over (Yet)"

Selain sama orang itu, gue juga sempet deket sama beberapa orang lainnya.
Yah, maklum ya jangka waktunya 2 tahun..
Tapi ya gitu, nothing seems to be worked out.
Simply say, gue nyaman sama mereka, tapi ga senyaman kalo sama lo.
Gue ada perasaan sama mereka, tapi ga sekuat perasaan gue ke lo.
Temen-temen deket gue aja pada heran, deket sama beberapa orang gitu, tapi ga ada yg jadi pacar.
Bahkan, mereka bilang gue heartless.
Iya, gue juga ngerasa. hatinya udah lo ambil sih. hahaha.
Suka sama orang sih gampang, kalo sekedar suka doang..
Tapi punya perasaan ke orang lain sedalem perasaan gue ke lo itu yg jadi beban.

A Mess I've Done

These are the mixture of two songs, Coldplay - Fix You and Glee - Get It Right.
These songs are really describing my feelings.
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
Could it be worse?
What have I done? I wish I could run
Away from this ship going under
Just trying to help, hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is
On my shoulders
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just want to fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh how many times will it take for me?
To get it right...
Can I start again with my faith shaken?
Cause I can't go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser
I'll get through this

I promise you i will learn from my mistake!
So I throw up my fist
Throw a punch in the air
And accept the truth, that sometimes life isn't fair
Yeah, I'll send down a wish
Yeah, I'll send up a prayer
And finally, someone will see
How much I care